20 5 / 2013
with your fate is something that I encourage all people in my life to do. When I have enough courage and breakfast in me, I enjoy throwing caution to the wind and inviting something different into my daily routine. Late last spring one of my favorite poets visited my now alma mater for a book signing. Marie Howe graced the Maloney Room of St. Edward University’s campus with her wild hair and striking words. I was moved to say the least. To see this elegant woman who had created the black on the white that I poured myself over for inspiration was an experience I will never forget. After the signing and my (ridiculous) attempt to speak to her, my two close friends and I snuck into the famous bell tower in Main Building on campus. There was a glorious Texas storm rolling in as we climbed through the trapped door to the tower. We were exhilarated. As the temperature dropped and the rain blew into our faces, I looked at Mitch and Jessica and said, “My life is going to change this summer. I can feel it. I want something amazing to happen to me… I’m ready.” I will never forget the smiles on their faces and Mitch’s voice ringing, “Be careful what you wish for.” “No.” I said, “I’m ready.”
‘The first was that I was very busy.
The second — I was different from you: whatever happened to you could not happen to me, not like that.”
A year ago today my life moved in a way that was unexpected, much needed, and overall, a gift. I was a fresh college grad with new skin for the world and a blank slate in front of me. 365 days ago I moved across the country with a duffle bag full of clothes not suited for a northern summer to a place that I now call home, to a state which, prior to, I have given little to no attention; Wisconsin. There are so many things I remember about that day: leaving my mom and then boyfriend at the airport, the bagel I ate at the terminal, the feeling of shame from avoiding goodbye sex with my boyfriend the night before, the layover at O’Hare where I saw my first child-toting lesbian couple, Mike picking my up at the airport, my first site of Peninsula Players as we drove down the hill, walking up to meet my future family, and laying eyes on her.
“I wanted a sieve, a mask, a, I hate this word - cheesecloth —
to breath through that would trap it — whatever was inside everyone else that
entered me when I breathed in
No. That was the first one.
The second was that I was so busy. I had no time. How had this happened? How had our lives gotten like this?”
That summer was filled with everything imaginable. Working to the bone, weekly bonfires and bottomless whiskey sours, so much white people food that I thought I would die from a lack of spice, late night skinny dipping, the breathtaking nature, amazing theatre, the most lovely people I will ever know, yoga of the upper deck of the theatre, my coming out, a life altering break up, making love for the first time, tears, tears, tears, and laughter… Sometimes your life turns out completely differently than expected. Be thankful.
“Ok. The first was that I could never get to the end of the list.
The second was that the laundry was never finally done.
The third was that no one knew me, although they thought they did.”
Since then I have tempted the universe with my fate a few more times; I cannot summarize the brilliant changes that came out of this last year for me. All I can say is this: I am a different person. I am truly happy. My constant thought before fate blew in was “where did my childish curiosity go?” I was dormant. Trapped underneath myself, trying to be everything that I thought everyone wanted for me, but really, just trying to stifle who I really am; Human.
“The fourth was I didn’t belong to anyone. I wouldn’t allow myself to belong
Historians would assume my sin was sexual.
The fifth was that I knew none of us could ever know what we didn’t know.
The sixth was that I projected onto others what I myself was feeling.”
Last summer I got what I wished for, the chance to see myself in a new light. I was ready to face what I needed to see. The girl happened, which is something that many queer ladies experience. We have since moved from romantic partners into being lesbros at its best. I have since moved to a new city that I had never visited prior to my first night on my inflatable mattress in my new zip code. I have opened myself to new friends, new artistic challenges, new employment, new modes of transportation, new lovers. All of which I have had both beautiful and crushing experiences with.
“The underneath —-that was the first devil. It was always with me. And that I didn’t think you—- if I told you - would understand any of this”
I am not writing this to say that all of my troubles have magically dissolved since I came out or since I’ve taken control of my own path. Life is always a mixed bag. I work myself to the bone for what, sometimes, feels like nothing. I’m always worried about my future. I don’t call my mom as much as I should. I hate flossing. I wish I knew more about the world than I do. I curse too much in front of my students. I wish things ended differently with her for this heart aches so much. I don’t eat whole tomatoes.
But there is good here. In my soul, or under my skin, or whatever I happen to believe in today. I put it there. With the help of the universe and everyone I’ve ever come in contact with. I feel it inside of me, and baby, it feels good.
19 5 / 2013
….I guess I’ll go to the airport now.
14 5 / 2013
I know what I am going to write my dissertation on. Who wants me?